“Fuck off.” Respectfully.

People who don’t practice what they preach have absolutely no place telling you what to do when it comes to your health and wellbeing.

Seems this happens all too often though, doesn’t it? I absolutely CANNOT watch television shows that offer any form of physical transformation advice through either nutrition, training or a combination thereof. This has now leaked into real life.

As you’re probably aware, I train in a couple of Globo Gyms here in Glasgow with my BAMF team mates. This means I have to see and hear coaching advice coming from “qualified personal trainers” in these places. It is utterly horrifying. I recently saw a guy built like a preying mantis getting advice from some meathead trainer about performing seated short-repped behind the neck shoulder press ‘for strength’.

Another occasion saw a trainer walking past two gentlemen that were seconds away from destroying their lumbar spine in a hail of vertebrae and jammie dodgers with some of the worst deadlifting form you have ever clapped eyes on.

On both occasions (and more) I intervened. I had to. It wasn’t my place, but it felt like my duty. The preying mantis now knows what to eat and how to train and the deadlift guys will be able to train on their own recognisance without imminent lumbar destruction.

Let’s bring it a little closer to the Home Bone shall we? Let’s talk about CrossFit training. The most potent of doses. There are more affiliates now than I have hairs on my head (don’t laugh at me) and this brings with it a fairly sizeable problem. There seems to be a lot of buy in from those who perceive CrossFit as more of a marketing tool than a training one, and that does for strength and conditioning what that retard Pastor Terry Jones did for international relations.

What I mean by the above is, you’re getting a lot of “fitness professionals” opening CrossFit boxes and hammering their clients with this ‘crazy new functional fitness’ thing they’ve found out about on the internets. Now, these people are likely to have been training people by traditional (80′s to current traditional, not proper traditional) methods. You know. Stretch. Warm up. Re stretch. Re warm up. Sit at your machine of choice. Reps. Move to other machine. Reps. Weight assisted pull-ups. Reps. Good total body workout!  These guys have found CrossFit and have seen the light, affiliated, opened a box and are hammering clients into the ground with ‘challenging workouts’. They are also failing to coach these clients. Just get in, smash yourself and we’ll see you tomorrow for more smashings. Luckily, there is now a test one has to pass to become a CrossFit affiliate. I have not yet seen this test, so can’t comment on the depth it goes into about programming.

Programming. It has been commented on many times, by many people more articulate and seasoned in strength and conditioning than myself. I am a qualified hobbyist, nothing more. BAMF Athletics is not a business, it is a club. The idea is train together, learn together and I lead by example. I attempt to pass on everything I know about movements, why we train as we do and what the hell for. I try to give those I train with an understanding of what correct form is, what incorrect form is and the corrections and cues we can employ to remedy imperfection. It’s my duty. It means when I’m under the bar, someone can fix faults, just like I do when they’re under it. This is the same deal for most of the ‘small box’ gyms we frequent, but not all.

My first experience of CrossFit was a very mixed bag, which I articulated in my last post – The Conundrum. I was embraced by the community and loved every second of it, but the gym owner had gone a bit wrong. He was overweight, would seldom coach and would never take part. All he did was ‘the programming’. His idea of training clients was to construct a workout so heinous that you were smashed by the warmup and the workout itself was a lengthy festival (sometimes a carnival) of pain. Always. Even back then with my elementary understanding of training, I could see little or not variation or focus to the workouts. They were long, nasty, client smashers. This was cool, everyone loved the camaraderie of training themselves to destruction and came back for more. This is not the point. We were stronger. We were fitter. But we had no choice. I didn’t learn a single thing from that guy. I learned a great deal from other coaches on certifications, but the owner of this place taught me nothing. All he did was write stuff on a board, put on some music, watch you workout and film it. That is properly fucking useless. Classic ‘gym owner’. Watch the money roll in and the hamsters on their wheels.

One of my most beautiful, strong and fierce friends was once told by this guy that she was pathetic for taking a day off of training after two weeks. She may be a firebreather, but by that point she was so overtrained and physically destroyed I feel it could have taken her a year to recover. This is not coaching. This is bullying. What do bullies have in common? They are stupid.

This is where the analogy of my title comes in. A fat doctor gives you nutritional advice. There is something very wrong with that scenario. What could possibly drive you to take any recommendations from someone who does not heed their own words? Who should you listen to? What constitutes a good coach? How can you tell if they are worth it? Out of the blue I posed this question to my (then) good lady. She does not do any strength and conditioning. She likes sport climbing and running, much to my chagrin, as she can deadlift and clean and press out the building.

Her response was:

1. Be sincere.
2. Be engaging.
3. Practice what you preach.

I can dig that. I only listen to the advice of those who are serious about advancement, emphatic about what they do and have greater strength, fitness, skill, success, experience, knowledge, or any combination thereof  than my own. You should too.

If your coach is a fat guy, and he tells you what to eat, do not listen to him.

If he cannot articulate succinctly how to perform an exercise and show you how to do it, do not listen to him.

If he cannot outlift, outrun or out manoeuvre you (notwithstanding the monster athletes among us mortals), do not listen to him.

Experience is an interesting one. Mark Rippetoe of Wichita Falls Athletic Club has been in the gym, training himself and others longer than I’ve been alive pretty much. He taught me more about training in two days than I had learned in my whole life up until that point. John Welbourn (@johnwelbourn on Twitter) of CrossFit Football was a professional NFL player for nine years. This is obvious experience.

Not so obvious experience is Dutch Lowy, born in 1982, exceptional coach and CrossFit top performer who wrote the article Have a Fucking Clue, specifically about maximising training effeciveness. I personally received coaching from Jon Gilson of Again Faster, two years my junior, gave me insight into movements, how they work, why they work and how to coach them, shedding light on a history of being in the dark. It’s not about a coach’s age.

While doing a British Weight Lifting Association course, I actually had to stop another coach from performing a movement because it was so unsafe. This man was ten years older than me and had his Level 3 Personal Trainer Certificate as well as the top National Academy of Sports Medicine accreditation. A list of qualifications means nothing.

A good coach loves to coach and loves to train. If your coach does neither of these things he is not a coach. He is your landlord and you’re paying for nothing.

Evaluate what you’re learning next time you’re in the gym. If the answer is zero, you’re in the wrong place.

I have been thinking about this off and on for a fairly long time now.

Physical ability, life and location can really influence a person’s ability to maximise their athletic potential / longevity. This is of great interest to me. A recent setback caused by illness / time off resulted in my returning to the gym and feeling like a novice again. I wanted to fast track my strength & conditioning gains back to that which they were quickly, so delved again into looking at various training regimens to see if I could employ one of them to speed things up a little. There are a number of utterly fantastic coaches out there who are prescribing amazingly effective workouts. These guys have a moderately different focus on what the real key to fitness is, but any one of their programs would be good. Good, but perhaps not right for me. Or a novice. Allow me to elucidate…

The Novice / Returning Athlete

Both of these people have things in common. Usually more than one would admit. I began to look at things from a novice perspective, while adding my own training proclivities / imperfections into the mix

Training Modifiers:

1. Lack of Strength
2. Lack of Technique
3. Lack of Confidence

Additional Sticking Points:

1. Poor Facilities
2. Poorly Defined / Unrealistic Goals
3. No Consistency
4. Can’t Be Arsed

Up until very recently, I suffered from all of these. This puts a massive twist on what type of workout regimen you can select and how you implement it in your box of choice. Let’s cover these in (some) detail:

Lack of Strength

This is something we all suffer from. We are simply not strong enough. It’s all very well to say this generally, but more specifically, we (by we I mean either novices or returning athletes) are therefore unable to perform a great deal of work. This would have a massive effect on any regime you chose that relied on you being able to handle the weight prescribed. If I were to choose to do CrossFit, Coach Rut‘s Max Effort Black Box or John Welbourn‘s CrossFit Football, I would require either a semblance of strength or a knowledge of my 1 Rep Max (1RM herein). I remember having a lengthy discussion with your friend and mine, Mark Rippetoe about 1RM and lifter maturity. It was discussed that a realistic 1RM was only possible after about a year of serious (as in consistent and with good technique) lifting. Less so for returning lifters, but still applicable nonetheless. You need to have been doing this stuff a while before your 1RM is your actual, full-blown 1RM. There is another piece to this puzzle – scaling. If you’re not strong enough and you know it, to handle the prescribed weights in a given program, you scale – simple. Not fucking simple. Not by a long way. Scaling is a tough thing to get right, if you can even be arsed (no. 4 in Additional Sticking Points). I can’t. I don’t like scaling anything. I don’t like having to think about it. I don’t like getting up in the morning, seeing what has been prescribed by someone who doesn’t know me or my abilities and then attempting to scale it on-the-fly. It is an arse-hassle. For novices, even if they could be arsed thinking about it (I could, once) they might get it badly wrong and be left feeling either like they’ve done nothing or that they’ve crashed through an hour-long crucible of pain and don’t recover for a week.

Lack of Technique

So, your regime of choice asks you to perform a whole bunch of snatches or muscle-ups or squat cleans. Have you been practicing these things? No? Do you even know what they are? I do, and I suck at all of them. So then, what do we do with that? We’ve been asked to do some exercises we suck at / can’t do, so we either manage to do the workout with poor technique (thus potentially developing some bad habits) or we chose to do something else, which isn’t really the point of a prescribed training regime is it? If I’m training to get fitter, healthier and stronger, there is little point in wasting a workout trying to teach myself how to do something badly. If I choose to do something I’m good at, perhaps that will result in me having reduced capacity in the next prescribed workout because it hits the same areas I chose to.

Lack of Confidence

A bucket of syrup that carries on from the last two rather neatly. Let’s say I was following CrossFit. The prescribed workout is something I can do, but I’m not sure if I’m doing it quite right, not sure what weight I should prescribe, not sure if I’ll get in trouble from the management, not sure if I’ll be confident enough to run from the bar I have left sitting in the floor to the rower, to the pull-up station in my gym. Get the idea? If you’re not steeped in this stuff, starting out / retuning to it isn’t any kind of fun. Training is meant to be fun. You’re supposed to enjoy thinking about Deadlifting, or having a bar in the rack position or doing Power Cleans. Not having confidence in what you’re doing will have a substantially negative effect on both your strength AND your technique. That is folly.

Poor Facilities

Another can of worms. It can go either way, too. You might only have access to some commercial Globo Gym, or you might be going to a massive CrossFit-esque box. They can both generate problems for you. First, Globo Gym. I train in Fitness FIrst in the South Side of Glasgow. It has two 20kg Olympic bars and 3 other hollow ones that look the part but weigh less. There is a decent squat rack, bench, array of dumbbells and a couple of almost acceptable stations I can do pull-ups from. That’s it. Suppose I’m following CrossFit and today’s WOD is “Helen” – 3 rounds of run 400m, 21 1.5 pood (55lb) kettlebell swings and 12 pull-ups. I’m not strong enough to handle the prescribed weight, so I have to chose a lighter one. I also realise there are no kettlebells, so I have to grab a dumbbell that might do. I have to do my running on a treadmill, because it’s impossible to get outside without totally ruining the flow (and therefore intensity) of the workout and the chin-up station will topple over if I do kipping pull-ups. So. Am I strong enough to handle the prescribed weight? Have I got the technique required to do these exercises? Am I confident enough to look like a retard thrashing about in this gym? Can I be arsed scaling/altering this workout? Makes for an interesting problem doesn’t it? Most of these excellent training systems are designed for a certain kind of place and being performed under the watchful eye of a great coach. Not something we have in abundance here in the UK. Next, what if you are training in a sprawling behemoth of a CrossFit type facility? You can still run into problems. I did.

When I went out to the U.S to learn all about CrossFit and do my certifications, I was in a great facility. It was not without it’s problems. The coach was convinced that everyone should train all the time. Since I was over for a month, he expected to see me in there, doing classes with the rest of them every single day. I signed my disclaimer saying that if I maimed myself, it was my fault and I was set free to train. I was a complete novice at all of the movements. I could kind of run, had a little residual strength for pull-ups etc, but had never Deadlifted, Power Cleaned, swung a kettlebell, or correctly learned to do a kipping pull-up. I was thrashed relentlessly and my performances were always dire. The culmination was doing “Grace” (30 overhead anyhow Clean & Jerks for time with 135lbs). I had no idea whether I should scale the weight or not, so I started with the full value (30lbs less than I weighed) and two reps in my back went. I dropped some plates off and finished the next 28 reps in an abysmal 9 minutes and change. The next day Mark Rippetoe taught us all how to Power Clean at the Barbell certification. If the coach at that facility had interest in my interests rather than just thrashing people, he’d have managed to give me a weight I could handle so that I completed in a decent time, was suitably destroyed and felt like I’d accomplished something. As it was I had injured my back and finished last. Not ideal. If a novice was to visit a CrossFit facility, they could very well suffer the same consequences. It is very hard to know before going in at the deep end whether or not your coach is giving you workouts that are going to be of maximal benefit to you, again limiting your abilities as an athlete and failing to achieve that which is important.

Poorly Defined / Unrealistic Goals

If your goals are a 1’23″ Fran time or a 300kg Deadlift and you’re a 45 year old overweight female, you perhaps need to re-evaluate. For years all I aspired to was getting awesome times for the benchmark CrossFit WODs, but because it is, by design, such a mixed modality system they were never realised. I figured out that perhaps just thrashing myself with metcon wasn’t going to get me closer to my goals, so switched to having equally unrealistic strength goals. I was comparing myself to all of the superstars of the sport of fitness. Big, strong, monsters with an athletic pedigree, years of experience and a facility that had everything they needed. It is the most depressing thing for novices and returning athletes alike to watch as they crawl towards unattainable goals, or move further from them. I’ve seen this with metconaholics, whose only goal is to get ripped. They hammer themselves during metcon workouts, will eat little and perhaps come back for a second workout in the hope that they’ll lose that last 4% of bodyfat. They end up getting fatter due to the amount of stress-hormones in their body. If you haven’t thought out your aims and objectives well, you could just bury yourself in futility and walk away from training for good. Jim Wendler makes a great point in his 5/3/1 manual (buy it) about setting realistic expectations and attainable goals. Progress is most certainly PROGRESS.

No Consistency

Almost all of us have jobs and lives. Training is something that has to fit around that. This might mean getting up at an ungodly hour to train. Theoretically, this isn’t a big deal, but if you attach that to attempting to be sociable in any way, you may find going to bed at 22:00 is useless. Moreover, in a household where others are still up and about, it’s not exactly fair on them either. Let’s take this a little further. You had a day off yesterday and trained in the morning, had an awesome post-workout meal and got a lot of admin done during the day. You’re going to the cinema tonight with your partner. To recover, you need 8 hours of sleep. You’re working tomorrow at 09:00. It takes round 30 minutes to get there. The minimum time you can get up is 07:30. Bed by 23:30? Pretty unlikely. This means you might be a little wiped out at work, but you can make it through. Bummer is, the next day you are working at 09:00 again and are busy at night. This means you’ll have to be in the gym for an hour from 06:30 (when it opens) and be landing back at your place for 07:30 so your day isn’t shot to shit before it begins. A string of confounding days like this can really set you back in terms of recovery and / or actual quality of training. Things get worse if you don’t have a good training partner, don’t get any support for what you’re doing, feel like you’re stagnating or suffer from the last thing in our list:

Can’t Be Arsed

This comes to us all. Some more than others. I think it is equally difficult for those starting out and returning athletes who have suffered from a real confidence knock. It is easier not to train, but at the same time destroys both your mind and body. It’s like those people who know they should lose weight, but find themselves cramming pointless carbs into their face. The opportunity for escape from this problem is slight. You have to muster all the courage, willpower and hate you can. I mean that. You have to hate the situation you are in. You have to think ‘fuck this’ and hit the button. Only you can do this, but it is a tough one to push.

The Solution?

Like I said at the beginning of this meandering rumination, I have been thinking about this off and on for a fairly long time now. I feel I have come to a conclusion. It is my intention to roll out and experiment with a training regime that will address as many of the above pitfalls as is humanly possible. Logically, progressively, simply and effectively. I have had help from a number of my friends, whether they know it or not, and even more help from people who barely know me or maybe never will. These sources I will cite, as they have guided me to this conclusion with their hard work. Hopefully, some of you will try it out and tell me how it works out for you.

Stay Tuned & Stay Badassed™